


My Jackaboy

by Ravxnclaw



Category: Jacksepticeye RPF, Markiplier RPF, Video Blogging RPF, Youtube RPF
Genre: Angst, Getting Over You, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Memories, No Death Shown, Old Texts, Recovery, major angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-29 21:23:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6394354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravxnclaw/pseuds/Ravxnclaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark is full of memories and leftover feelings </p><p>I broke my own heart writing this don't read it if you do not want to be sad ok</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Jackaboy

"My sweet Jackaboy."  
Looking at his picture always made my heart warm, but after this last time he left for home it only hurt. His smile was so truthful and open as if he didn't have a care in the world and I remember the stupid dick joke that the picture had spawned from. He always laughed the loudest and it was so honest as if he really cared that you were funny, that he wanted you to feel that warm tingly feeling that always accompanied someone laughing at your joke.  
The only reason I didn't like the picture was because I couldn't see his eyes. Oh god, his eyes could make me do inhuman things and he knew full well how to use them to make me bend over backwards. I remember the first time I saw them and wondered how someone could possibly capture the sky and the ocean and perfectly blend them into this wonderful boy's irises, always as hopeful and energetic as the rest of him. His eyes were squeezed shut in laughter in the picture and despite the hundreds of pictures I have of them, I wish this one perfect picture had all of the best parts of him.  
I remember his laugh, so clear and amazing, able to warm my heart as if he was right with me even when he was thousands of miles away. I loved the way that his laugh could wrap around my name and turn it into something entirely new, the perfect chuckle that could turn my insides into liquid without even trying. He would laugh at me and shake his head and it meant nothing to him but it was everything to me. The way that my name sounded in his voice was different from anyone else who had said it, something entirely new and much more beautiful than a name should be allowed to sound.  
I remember planning our future, both the silly and the serious parts and how badly I wanted every little second of it. I remember the first time he brought up the possibility of one of us moving and how scared he'd been, a hint of a laugh escaping me at the memory. He'd been chewing his nails to pieces on the video call, his hat pulled low on his brow as he tried to hide in the shadows of his bedroom as if I could say no to him.  
I remember the games we daydreamed about and reminisced on together and the stupid mottos we tried to make a thing in the past. I remember the warm feeling of the first time he kissed me, his little hands holding my upper arms as if he was scared of me pushing him away. I can still feel the way his stubble always brushed against my face, especially when he woke up late and missed a couple days of shaving. He hated it despite how sexy I always found it.  
He was always the perfect boyfriend for me, a combination of dirty and adorable. He could smile and seem to exude sunshine and rainbows and a few seconds later he could look like the epitome of sex appeal and I loved it. I loved everything about him.  
Nothing was ever going to be the same after him, I knew it as soon as I clicked on his video and heard his voice. His face had stayed relatively the same over the years and I remember watching the slight changes in him from video to video, some days his hair was long and he had stubble, other days he had the most intense baby face I’d ever seen, and I fell in love with all of it. Like an idiot I fell in love with a boy thousands of miles away but I’ve never regretted a second of it.  
I don’t regret putting off my feelings, nor do I regret the way that I told him. He was red in the face and I felt like I was going to die and wanted to throw my camera on the ground. He had giggled like an idiot and I wanted to cry but I don’t regret it. I don’t think that I could regret anything having to do with him. Even if he had spent the entire time we talked insulting me I would have loved it because it meant that I was with him.  
Smiling to myself I swipe through the pictures on my phones, both the ones that the Internet had seen and the ones I kept to myself. Him in my shirt, him grinning at me with a mouthful of cake, him asleep in my bed, him chewing on his lip as he concentrated on the screen, him tugging his beanie onto his head and still somehow still looking more perfect than humanly possible. My heart skips a beat when I recall him sending one to me of him with two thumbs up, his face painted with ridiculous colors with the message _‘Work was hard today:D’_  
He’d quickly become the light in my life and I should have known better, but he was the sunshine that had brightened each of my days even though he was so far away. I loved his montage videos because it just felt like five minutes of listening to his dick jokes and his laugh, two of the sounds that had become so essentially _him_ that they could never belong to anyone else.  
I saw a picture of us together, one that I’d seen thousands of times but would never get over. Our arms were wrapped loosely around each other and I had a stupid smile on my face that made me cringe a little, but I loved the old pictures of us from PAX. I remember the feeling of hugging him in front of everyone, my brain screaming at me not to let him go once I had him in a hug. I remember the way he fake proposed to me, my face turning a stupid shade of red from just the sight of it but I didn’t want everyone to know.  
I open the texts from him, my heart aching just at the sight. “Jackaboy” had been his name in my phone since we first exchanged numbers and I’d never changed it, never intending to. He would always be my Jackaboy no matter what happened and I couldn’t help it anymore.  
Tears stung at my eyes as I scrolled through our messages, still able to feel his happiness through his older messages. I never knew why he was so happy, and it didn’t seem that he knew, he just was. His happiness and upbeat attitude was simply a piece of who he was and I was so in love with the idea of a person who was just happy, crying freely as I saw him telling me that he loved me over and over.  
_“Love you Markimoo.”_  
_“Hey baby. Know you’re sleeping right now, just want you to wake up and remember how much I love you. (It’s a whole lot)”_  
_“Can’t wait to kiss you again. Can’t wait to sleep in your bed again. Can’t wait to grab your ass again. ;)”_  
Angrily I scrub at my face, wishing that the tears would stop falling but not able to stop scrolling through the messages. I miss Jack so much it feels like there’s a huge hole in my chest, like my heart is just going to fall out onto the sheets in front of me. The same sheets that had held Jack’s warm body just a few days ago, the same sheets that still had the lightest hint of drool marks from Jack’s stupid open mouth snoring.  
_“Missin you today. So excited to kiss your dumb face.”_  
_“I’m over-packing, don’t think it’s an accident this time. Whoops, guess I’ll have to just stay with you forever.”_  
I can’t help it, I grin through my tears as I finally reach the adorable picture of Jack that I’d never posted anywhere else. I wanted to keep this one all to myself. It wasn’t anything special, it was clearly just a picture of Jack being silly, but it was meant for me and I was going to keep it.  
His cheesy smile was the warmest greeting I’d ever seen and his eyes were wide behind peace signs, clearly he’d used some pro selfie technique to get both peace signs over his face. He looked like he was about to burst out in laughter and I could hear it reverberating in my head, the sound of his laugh so natural and uncontrollable it was as if nothing in the world mattered compared to his laugh.  
_“Peace out Ireland, time for some man lovin’.”_

The skin of my face feels too tight and I grip my phone in my pocket, knowing that the same picture of him laughing is waiting in the pocket of my itchy jacket. I wish that he could be here with me to tell me about how dumb I look dressed up, that smirk that he always got when he was mocking me on his face. My chest was aching again and I force myself to stand up, taking a shaky breath that rattles throughout my body.  
I’m not ready.  
I focus on the sight of his eyes as he glared at me whenever I beat him in a game, the feel of his cool skin against my own whenever his hands grabbed my face. I think about every tiny little detail about him, wishing that I could empty my head of everything else other than his little habits. As I shuffle along I think about the way his presence could just make a room feel more full as if he was my own personal Sun, lighting up and warming every space he entered. He was so safe for me and I reflect on the feeling of his lanky arms resting over my waist the first time he slept next to me, his head resting on my chest and the various moments I knew I was done for. I was never going to love anyone else.  
I drag my fingers across the dark wood, my brain flashing images of trading places with him. I miss him so much, it isn’t fair. What am I supposed to do without him? I remember the feeling of his hair as I ran my fingers through it instead of the emptiness around me, an ugly sob breaking in my throat.  
“My jackaboy,” I gasp, glad that the casket had remained closed. I didn’t ever want to see him like that, the heart that I had held so dearly for so many years now still. “My jack I’m so sorry.”  
My fingers press into the wood, wishing that if I could somehow rip apart the casket in front of me I could free him, that it would bring him back to me. I know that he’s gone but I can’t admit it, can’t let the world know that he had been taken from me.  
“We were supposed to grow old together you prick!” I slide down to my knees, glad that my anxiety had held me back when even the last lingering members of his family made their way toward the reception. His mom’s gentle hand had touched my shoulder as she passed, reminding me that she knew how deeply and for how long I had loved her son.  
“You _promised_ me Jack.” I whisper, squeezing my eyes shut and concentrating on him pushing his hair out of his face, pulling some faux sexy face that only made both of us laugh.  
“You said you’d never leave me.” I whisper, letting myself imagine for a moment that he can still hear me. “You told me that I didn’t have to worry but I should have worried. I knew you were a terrible driver and I knew you were a liar but I trusted you - _god damn it_ I trusted you to take care of yourself for me.”  
Pausing, I realize how crazy I must looked, but I need to get it out. It feels like the words are going to rip me apart from the inside if I don’t tell him, even though he’s mentally long gone.  
“I’ve loved you for so long, and now you’re just gone?” My breathing feels broken, my face itching from the onslaught of tears but I can’t do anything about it. “That’s not fair, you don’t get to just leave me.”  
Resting my back against the table I pull out my phone, my heart lightening a little at the sight of his smile. I push the thing behind me out of my mind, wanting to think about nothing other than his smile, his constant and comforting smile that never failed to make my day. He was laughing, caught forever in the digital archives of my phone, and through his videos he was never going to be gone.  
“Top o’ the mornin’ to ya laddies, my name is Jacksepticeye…”  
I don’t know how long I sat there, watching all of his videos without following any path, somehow switching from Life Is Strange episode 3 to an old Happy Wheels video. I was insatiable, wanting to hear every recorded sound of his laughter as possible, even smiling a few times when I watched the vlog about our weekend together.  
“You okay Mark?” I hear a voice call out from the door, not able to tell who it is through the dimming light.  
“Yeah.” I call back, rubbing my hand across my mouth trying to mask the snot that had accompanied the tears, my eyes staying glued to my phone. “Just spending a little time with my Jackaboy.”

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know where this came from, it just happened and it hurts my heart but I couldn't just throw it away
> 
> As always, feel free to leave me any ideas/prompts you would like to read in the comments, I love to hear all of them!


End file.
